Dog Tags
by ErikaHK
Summary: After a team fails to return from a mission, Sheppard goes to find out why and ends up alone lost on an unknown planet with no means to return home. Shep Whump. Set in Season 3 somewhere after Sunday. COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**DOG TAGS**  
_By ErikaHK_

**Title: **Dog Tags  
**Chapter:** 1/9  
**Word count:**1.450  
**Rating**PG13 (some language and graphic violent scenes)  
**Characters: **mainly John Sheppard, but also features some Rodney McKay near the end, with appearances of Evan Lorne, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan and Elizabeth Weir.  
**Genre: **Drama, Angst, H/C, Gen  
**Spoilers:** for Sunday and Phantoms  
**Disclaimer:** Stargate and all related characters are the property of MGM Television Entertainment. Not done for profit, just for fun.

**Summary: **After a team fails to return from a mission, Sheppard goes to find out why and ends up alone lost on an unknown planet with no means to return home. Shep Whump. Set in Season 3 somewhere after Sunday.

Thanks Lauriel for the beta!

Chapters will be posted twice a week, most probably on Wednesdays and Sundays.

* * *

**DOG TAGS**

**Chapter 1 **

John Sheppard was sitting at the Conference Room table drumming his fingers while he waited. He looked at his watch and uncomfortably shifted on his seat as his impatience grew. Rodney was late again. He was ready to tap his earpiece to call him when the scientist stormed into the room and threw himself in the chair beside him. John eyed him with irritation and Rodney smiled apologetically. John simply glared. Rodney's smile quickly faded and the physicist looked away embarrassed. John had clearly stated the nature of the meeting when he called him to the conference room. A team had gone missing and still Rodney decided to ignore the meaning of the word 'immediately'. John puffed loudly and straightened in his chair, looking around.

Everyone called was now present in the Conference Room with Dr. Weir at the head. To her right were seated John, Rodney and Ronon, and to her left were Major Lorne, Teyla and Colonel Caldwell.

"Captain Clark's team have failed to return on schedule and are not responding to any hails. They were on MX0-832 on a standard recon mission and were supposed to return four hours ago." Elizabeth started. "The MALP showed no signs of the team near the stargate, but showed a large concentration of life forms that weren't present earlier." She looked at John and nodded, acknowledging him to continue. "Colonel."

"The life forms are spread in a pattern that suggests a military camp has been set up." He turned to face the screen on the wall of the room that showed several small dots spread on an area of the map. Some were concentrated in the center with a few around the edges moving in a square pattern. "We detected thirty life forms, ten of which are guarding the limits of the camp." He pointed at the dots circling around. "The MALP also detected encrypted radio activity below our usual frequencies that were delivered to Dr. McKay for decoding." John quirked the corner of his lip and turned to the scientist.

Rodney took a beat to realize all eyes were set on him. "Yes, yes. I was able to crack that signal pretty easily; it wasn't that sophisticated." His tone was condescending. "And it confirms the suspicion of a military camp. They talk about prisoner transfers and testing some kind of power source, but it doesn't elaborate."

"So I'm to assume that our men are being held captive." Colonel Caldwell spoke.

"Looks like it." John wasn't happy with it. Actually he was pissed. It hadn't been a month since the last time the Capt. had encountered hostiles. "These guys don't use Genii codes or frequencies, but obviously have enough technological ability to build radios and power sources." He continued. "Everything indicates that there is another military power in the Pegasus Galaxy."

"Great!" Rodney said rolling his eyes. "I bet they will be hostile too."

"Let's not assume anything at this point." Elizabeth said. "We could have been invading a claimed territory without knowing."

"I don't think so. The first MALP we sent didn't show anything on site, and now all of a sudden they show up and our guys disappear. It's too much of a coincidence." John said.

"I agree." Colonel Caldwell declared, leaning on the table. "You also said they are not responding to hails. I think that makes it pretty clear."

"What do you suggest then, Colonel? We can't simply attack them." Rodney turned to Elizabeth. "Can we?"

"No we can't. We need more solid proof first." Elizabeth straightened and folded her hands on the table. "If they were captured, the captors must have their radios. We'll try to speak to them directly and offer a negotiation."

"And if that doesn't work?" Caldwell asked.

"If that doesn't work, I'll send Sheppard's team along with several marines to search for them and get them back." She said firmly looking at each one with a firm gaze. As they all nodded in agreement she finalized the meeting by getting up.

John accompanied her, unable to hide the slight smirk on his face, and followed her to the Control Room. Everyone quietly observed as she ordered the technician to dial. The stargate kawooshed and she walked to the open comm.

"This is Dr. Elizabeth Weir of the Atlantis Expedition. If someone can hear this, please pick up the radio and respond by pressing the button to the side of the device."

They all waited a few moments until a male voice came through.

"This is Valen, military commander of the Zenin people. Are you the leader of the men that carried this?" Valen had a deep voice and a strange accent.

"Yes, what happened to them?"

"We have claimed this world as our own. All that occupied it were captured." Valen spoke firmly.

"It is not our intention to interfere on your own affairs; we just want our people back. We are peaceful explorers."

"They resisted prison. I have three dead soldiers."

"I'm really sorry about that, but if we can put this misunderstanding aside, I'm sure we can work out an arrangement that will benefit both of our people." She walked to the balcony overlooking the Gate Room and stared at the active device.

"This is beyond negotiation. They are sentenced to death." With that the transmission was cut and the 'gate shut down.

She turned and everyone stared at each other.

"I guess this means they _are _hostiles." Colonel Caldwell said.

"Colonel Sheppard, prepare to go through the gate to get our men back." Elizabeth spoke softly. "I want to do this with minimal casualties on both sides. We don't need another conflict."

John nodded and left the Control Room with the rest of his team. This was just what they needed. Another bunch of bad guys.

**…**

The camp wasn't far from the 'gate. A five minute flight and another ten of walking in the sparse forest was enough to have the sentries on the scope. John studied the camp carefully through his binoculars, looking for a safe entry point to find the missing team. Fortunately they still had their transmitter signals online and could be detected by the puddle jumper's sensors.

John watched them long enough to identify a weak spot in their camp surveillance. The time to strike was coming and he signaled the marines to assume their positions. They all approached slowly, and silently waited for the right moment to attack.

He mentally calculated the distance the sentries were furtherest apart.

_Three, two, one, go._

They got up and moved from all flanks as one single unit, each heading for their targets and firing. He made his way, taking down one armed soldier before he even knew the camp was under attack. Ronon was next to John and was even quicker, taking the other two companions with one shot and one strike from his fist.

They followed the path that led to the camp as the alarm was sounded. The shooting became louder as he got closer to the tents spread throughout the clearing. Enemy soldiers ran towards them from inside, firing hand held guns similar to their own nine millimeter weapons, but slightly bigger and heavier. John quickly dived for cover behind a tree trunk, firing a few times from his concealment. He glanced at Ronon and Teyla, also firing from their positions. John asked for cover fire and proceeded ahead, running low.

"Just a few meters to the right. You see?" Rodney's voice explained coming from the puddle jumper.

He approached the location indicated through the radio, tracking the hostiles from the corner of his eyes as he hid again, providing cover for his two alien team mates. He took out two more soldiers just as Ronon and Teyla started to cover for him again. John ran towards the only concrete building of the camp, at the far side next to a ravine. The door had a strong chain and lock. He peeked inside through a small opening and saw Captain Clark's team lying unconscious.

"Hey! Captain Clark! Wake up!" There was no response. "Damn!" John swore under his breath. He carried C4 with him, but couldn't use it unless the occupants of the cell got away from the door. He decided to go look around the building to find another point of entry when a big explosion took him off the ground.

He fell and slid his way down the muddy ravine until he banged his head hard against the corner of a stone. For a brief moment, John saw a bright flash of light and heard a deafening explosion, then he lost consciousness.

**…**

* * *

**TBC…**


	2. Chapter 2

**DOG TAGS**  
_By ErikaHK_

**Title: **Dog Tags  
**Chapter:** 2/9  
**Word count:**2.460  
**Rating**PG13 (some language and graphic violent scenes)  
**Characters: **mainly John Sheppard, but also features some Rodney McKay near the end, with appearances of Evan Lorne, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan and Elizabeth Weir.  
**Genre: **Drama, Angst, H/C, Gen  
**Spoilers:** for Sunday and Phantoms  
**Disclaimer:** Stargate and all related characters are the property of MGM Television Entertainment. Not done for profit, just for fun.

**Summary: **After a team fails to return from a mission, Sheppard goes to find out why and ends up alone lost on an unknown planet with no means to return home. Shep Whump. Set in Season 3 somewhere after Sunday.

Thanks Lauriel for the beta!

Chapters will be posted twice a week.

**…**

**Chapter 2**

He had a terrible headache. Actually, it was a sharp, blinding pain that took over his senses and made the world spin around him. He tried to see beyond the white and black spots dancing in front of his vision, but the more he tried, the more his stomach rebelled against him. The bile rose to his throat and he swallowed to keep it down. He felt the metallic taste of blood inside his mouth and it didn't help the terrible nausea he was feeling. He squeezed his eyes shut and touched his temple. When his hand met the head wound he flinched violently against the pain. Nausea and dizziness overwhelmed his senses again and he fought hard not to throw up. He felt blood coming down from the gash on the side of his head, dripping down his face.

He opened his eyes again. Light came from the tops of the trees directly into his eyes and worsened the migraine. He turned away, moving his body slowly. Aside from the terrible pain in his head, there was hard pinch on his gum every time his tongue touched his upper molar. He definitely had a broken tooth. He cringed as he tried to sit up and once again felt the complaint of his stomach, but this time he wasn't able to keep its contents down.

Now, aside from the terrible taste of blood, he also had a vile acid flavor inside his mouth. He wanted to get out of there, but his legs were stubborn and shook violently every time he tried to get them in an upward position. The trees still circled around him so he thought it would be a good idea to wait for a bit before making his move. John took the canteen and spat the bad taste out before taking a sip of water, trying to ignore the sting from his broken tooth.

He tried to remember how he got there. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying hard to think, but nothing came to mind. Confusion plagued him as he was unable to figure out where he was or why he was there.

He rose to his feet a few minutes later and looked around. He saw a trail in the mud and followed it up. He imagined he must have fallen from the top of the ravine. Progress was very slow. At every step he took he felt a fierce protest from his head and his vision blurred with pain. He finally got to the top, breathing hard and sweating.

Through the haziness of his brain it took him a few seconds to process what he saw. A ten meter wide crater covered the center of the clearing and rubble spread outwards from it. Only the buildings at the boundaries of the clearing stood almost intact. He held onto the wall of the building at the edge of the ravine as a giant wave of nausea and dizziness swept through him. He kept swallowing and closed his eyes, fighting back the dark cloud in his brain.

He didn't know what had happened. He didn't know where his team was. He didn't know where he was. He didn't know why he was here. All he knew was that it was all wrong. Pessimistic thoughts washed through his mind. He took a drunken step forward and started to sift through the rubble to find any clues of his friends. His skin shivered with the sound of the wind and the confusion that darkened his brain.

He flinched and held his head at each step as if his hand would be able to keep his sight stable. He unsteadily walked over to a group of badly burnt bodies. Their faces were unrecognizable and their clothes were scorched, but he was able to identify the weapons welded into their hands. P90s. His heart raced. He took his trembling hand to the man's face and slid it down to his neck until he found it. His dog tags. He held it tightly and closed his eyes. They were all his men. And they were all dead.

He removed the dog tags from each one of the scorched bodies, fighting the feelings of confusion and anger that threatened to make him lose control. He suppressed a shudder. He counted ten bodies spread all over the field of death and destruction. Ten families he had failed and he didn't even know how.

He took a deep breath to compose himself. John put the tags in his vest pocket and stood again. He had to make it back to the gate. He had to tell the others. He made out a path heading away from the clearing and into the trees. He didn't know if this was the right way, but he followed anyway in an automatic response. He tripped several times and fell on his hands on more than one occasion until finally he saw the DHD by the stargate.

He stopped by the device and looked down at the symbols. The glyphs danced in front of his eyes. He narrowed his eyes to focus, but they remained blurry and doubled. It took him several minutes to finish dialing the Atlantis address but finally the 'gate came to life. He sent out his shield code and jumped in the watery pool of the wormhole.

He emerged on the other side and took a few long seconds to realize that he wasn't in the Gate Room. He was in the middle of a jungle. He looked ahead and saw the DHD. _Okay, wrong number. Let's try again._ He walked to the device and took his time to visualize address. He started to dial again, but when he pressed the first glyph, it didn't light up. He tried again, but all remained dark. He looked down and saw the wreck under the control panel of the DHD. Broken crystals and pulled wires told him that this would not work, no matter how many times he tried. He squeezed his eyes shut again, biting back the frustration and anger.

John felt his body slumping down and steadied himself on the DHD. He remained in the same position for several minutes, thinking about his predicament. He turned around and studied the new location. He was at the center of a clearing, surrounded by trees. It was cool and dark. Wind blew and shook the trees. He shivered. It would be a cold night. He looked up and was surprised to feel water splashing on his nose. Just at that moment rain suddenly started to fall heavily.

Correction, it would be a cold and wet night.

He raced to the trees, but water still reached him, so he just continued to go forward. It was hard to see anything past the rain and the darkness of the forest. He narrowed his eyes and tried to follow for a few minutes before remembering to turn on the light of his weapon. His feet slid through the mud and he clutched at his surroundings to keep standing. He tried hard to follow a path easy to remember later.

He progressed slowly, trying not to fall because of the dizziness and the sloppy mud under his feet, but still he met the ground a couple of times. He was shivering, completely wet and covered in mud. He cleaned the lamp clear of dirt and looked around for shelter. He couldn't stay in the rain for the rest of the night. He climbed a rocky elevation, hoping to find some cover, and fell on his hands and knees when he stepped on the wet stone. The hard impact didn't do well for his headache and he took a few moments to recover from the pain in his skull.

It was a long wet walk until he found a cave in between the rocks. He entered cautiously, keeping eyes and ears open for predators that could live inside. The cave was small and empty. He soon reached the end and was satisfied enough to sit down. He was shaking hard with cold. He bent his knees and rubbed his body to keep warm. His eyelids drooped. He was so tired. Lighting illuminated the outside and he heard loud thunder very near, and he snapped his eyes open. This was not the time to sleep. He had a possible concussion and was freezing cold and soaking wet. If he gave in to the desperate demands of sleep he wasn't sure if he would wake up. He shook his head, and let the pain of the migraine keep him awake.

John reached for his vest and took out all the supplies he had there. He had power bars, some MREs, field dressings and a survival kit with some matches. Illuminating the cave with the P90, he spotted dry plants and a couple of branches that were probably blown in during the storm. He fought his body and forced himself to stand again, holding onto the rocky wall. He walked to the undergrowth of the cave, concentrating on keeping upright.

Soon, he had a small fire going. He removed his clothes, put them close enough to dry and sat by the warmth of the fire, supporting his body on the stony wall. He took out his thermal blanket and wrapped it around himself. Next, he took a bandage and covered his head wound, trying not to flinch too hard. He finished and leaned back. The warmth of the fire made it impossible for him to keep his eyes open it wasn't much longer before he fell asleep.

**…**

_Day 1_

John woke up shivering. He opened his eyes, still groggy from sleep, and was momentarily surprised to see a cave.

_Right._

He saw through the light coming from the entrance that the thermal blanket had fallen back. The fire was gone. His body was stiff and he felt sluggish. With a hard intake of air he noticed that his head throbbed. His mind worked slowly to process the situation. Images of burned bodies, destroyed buildings, mud and water came back to him in a flash. John focused on those memories, but couldn't make out any details. Wind blew from the entrance and he shivered again. That's when he noticed he was in his boxers. He looked around and saw his clothes by the dead fireplace and crawled to get them. They were a little damp and cold. He was able to get dressed without tumbling over and decided to go outside to warm up and dry.

Getting out of the cave made his headache increase several notches. The light, though not too bright, blinded him for several seconds and he took a while to focus his vision again. The day was cloudy and gray, the weather was cool and there was a lot of air humidity present. He carefully stepped out onto the slippery rocky surface, avoiding the running muddy water that came from uphill. Around him, small walls of stone formed corridors that would drag any unwarned visitors into a broad maze.

He looked up. The sky featured dark gray clouds and a roll of thunder announced that more water would come down very soon. He decided it would be better not take his chances going on exploring and risking getting caught in a storm, and entered again into his refuge.

He lowered himself onto the floor, feeling his sore muscles and a dizzy head. He felt really crappy. With a sigh he took out a power bar and divided it in two. He wrapped one half and placed it back into his vest and started eating the other. Just as his jaw connected with the food he winced hard. He had forgotten he had a broken tooth. Every time the tongue or cheek got a millimeter closer to it the sharp loose piece of tooth only barely connected to his gum moved and caused spikes of pain. He chewed slowly with a pathetic wince on his face at each movement of his mouth. After a few times he learned how to bite in a way that caused less pain, but the pinch still made itself known. After he swallowed the last part he sighed in relief.

John closed his eyes to think about his situation. He had no idea if anyone knew what had happened or even if they would try to go after him. From what he remembered seeing on the other planet, no one could expect a person to be alive.

His hand reached for the pocket on his vest, the one that kept the dog tags he had collected. He separated and counted them, displaying them all on the dirt in front of him. He read each one several times. He remembered each one of them. Good men. The best in the Galaxy. To think that they all died at once and in a blink of an eye brought the deepest sense of guilt inside him.

Why? Why did it happen? _What_ had happened? These questions without answers angered him. He tried as hard as he could, he searched the deepest layers of his memory, he concentrated, closed his eyes, opened them again, but still nothing came back to him. The longer and harder he struggled to bring back some memories, the harder his head throbbed and the more difficult it was for him to think. He contorted his face and banged his head on the wall behind him in frustration. Bad idea. The hard wave of vibration made his migraine return full force in protest. Hot pokers were stuck into his skull and his hands went instinctively to his head. With a grimace of pain he lay on the ground in a fetal position, blinded to everything else. He just lay there, immobile for God knew how long, until it subsided into a hurting throb.

**…**

The rain still poured outside. It had been like this the whole day. He wavered by the entrance and considered getting out to do something instead of sitting still and feeling like crap. Anger came with the frustration of his situation. He paced stubbornly around the cave, even knowing that his headache would only grow worse with the physical demand. He grew increasingly tired. His legs trembled, his head throbbed insistently and his eyes burned with his persistence with keeping them open. It was only when it was already dark that he decided to sit down.

It was getting cold again. During the day the temperature had increased, but as the light faded he started to remember how cold it had been the previous night, but now he had nothing dry left to burn. There would be no fire during this night.

**…**

**TBC…**


	3. Chapter 3

**DOG TAGS**  
_By ErikaHK_

**Title:** Dog Tags  
**Chapter:** 3/9  
**Word count:** 1.460  
**Rating: **PG13 (some language and graphic violent scenes)  
**Characters: **mainly John Sheppard, but also features some Rodney McKay near the end, with appearances of Evan Lorne, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan and Elizabeth Weir.  
**Genre: **Drama, Angst, H/C, Gen  
**Spoilers:** for Sunday and Phantoms  
**Disclaimer:** Stargate and all related characters are the property of MGM Television Entertainment. Not done for profit, just for fun.

**Summary: **After a team fails to return from a mission, Sheppard goes to find out why and ends up alone lost on an unknown planet with no means to return home. Shep Whump. Set in Season 3 somewhere after Sunday.

Thanks Lauriel for the beta!

I'm really very sorry for the delay.

**…  
**

**Chapter 3 **

_Day 2_

The following morning crept up slowly. He had little sleep over the cold night and he still chilled with the slightly cold breeze that invaded the cave through the entrance. He remained at his huddled position for a long time before he decided to stretch his body.

John yawned and rubbed his face to take the sluggish feeling away. He peeked outside and found the sun shining shyly from behind the mountain range far into the horizon beyond the hill where he stood. The day appeared inviting with no clouds visible in the sky. He entered back inside the cave and gathered his stuff after a brief breakfast eating another half power bar. He pointlessly tried to ignore the spikes of pain from his broken tooth that had only grown worse since his last meal. Now every time he drank the cold water from the rain caused a sharp pain that dug through the inside of the broken piece and worked its way down the root. It took several seconds before the pain subsided. He made a mental note to seek Dr. Reinhardt once he got back home.

When he headed back outside the temperature was already a few degrees higher and the sun heated his shivering body. His frown disappeared and he started back down the hill.

He stepped carefully on the slippery stone, still a little wet from all the rain of the previous day. He trusted the rocky wall to his left to keep his balance, which had improved considerably from when he had hit his head. His memory was still very fuzzy, but he felt slightly more confident today. He reached the tree line, observing intently for any clues that would trigger his memory into finding out the way back towards the stargate. He listened to the sounds of the jungle, but even that sounded alien.

When he had made it into the cave he was working fully on automatic, without paying too much attention to his surroundings, solely looking for the means to survive the rainy night. Now that he had to go back he felt unsure about the correct heading. He knew that his survival instincts would have told him the most logical course of action, so what he had to do was similar to reverse engineering.

He remembered the device being in a clearing. He turned and headed up once more. Glancing behind from time to time, he tried to spot any open space in between the trees. He mentally calculated how long it would have taken for him to reach the cave from the stargate, but had little success in coming up with a straight number through the haziness that night.

He got to a high enough place and climbed the sharp rock that cut through the hard ground and looked over the edge of a cliff. As he reached the top he took in a few deep breaths and shook the dirt from his hands. He looked down and was surprised to find that the length that he ascended wasn't as long as he had thought, taking in consideration how tired he felt afterwards. The badly slept night was taking its toll, as his muscles ached slightly and his head throbbed at a steady pace. He wiped the sprinkle of sweat that came down his brow and removed his jacket. It was nearly midday and the rain forest had a hot enough climate without him doing four hours of exercise.

John dropped to the ground on the edge of the cliff, taking off and using his binoculars to sweep the forest below him. He took his time, examining every centimeter of green tops, until a bright light from the 'gate's metal structure reflected the sun on the lens of the binoculars. He smiled briefly. John memorized the direction he had to follow and laid out an invisible path, following it with the lens. When he was satisfied he put them back in his pocket and started on his way down.

**…**

His trek to the stargate was uneventful. He walked with weapon drawn, listening to all the odd sounds of animals, birds and insects, but fortunately none of these crossed his path. There was no trail laid out to follow, but the way was simple enough. John was guided by the moving sun and followed a single direction until the grassy clearing appeared before him. It was approximately 30 meters wide and the 'gate was set at the far end. Some low bushes surrounded the open space and he passed through them by the only gap they formed. He crossed the field to the DHD and sighed at the remembrance of its condition.

He stepped back when he felt something caught under the sole of his boot. A broken crystal lay in pieces in the grass. He pursed his lips and knelt observing below the blue dome. Numerous other pieces were broken and burned and the wiring was melted together with other structures. Even not being an expert on ancient technology he knew that the DHD was beyond repair. He got up and ran a hand through his hair. _Dammit!_ He sighed loudly and closed his eyes.

"Good work, John!" He shouted in frustration. "You should feel lucky for not stepping through a damn space 'gate, you moron!"

Of all the worlds he could have gone and this had to be the one. The one planet with a broken DHD. He remembered Rodney saying that without the device there was no way to dial out manually like it was possible in the Milky Way, and that the Pegasus stargates were different. So now here he stood, lost on some forgotten planet in another galaxy.

He was left with only one option. Survive until rescue.

"They will come. They always do." He turned on his heels and headed to the forest.

He looked for a spiked piece of wood. When he found it, he walked back to the clearing and stuck it on the ground in front of the 'gate. John then removed his wristband and put it on the wooden pole. It was a good enough sign to tell anyone looking for him that he was alive, and subtle enough not to attract attention if anyone else came, which he highly doubted noting the abandoned state of the DHD. After that was done he moved to the next task of his list.

He needed to find water and food. Looking down from the high cliff he didn't see any river or water source in the jungle, but there could be springs in the mountains. It should be easy to find food on the forest and he had his knife to gather and his nine mil to hunt. He checked his ammunition and moved inside the woods looking for an easy prey.

Only a few minutes later he saw a small mammal coming out of a hole on the ground. It was a squirrel-like rodent the size of a rabbit, but had cat-like ears and yellowish fur. Silently he aimed his weapon and fired. The sound echoed in the forest and birds flew. He hit right on target. _So, there will be roasted… whatever this is for dinner._ He picked up his prize and went back to his cave.

On his way back he also collected some branches for a fire, set them down on the far end of the cave and went back down to collect more wood for stocking in case of another storm. After a few trips he was confident he had enough fuel to last a couple of days without replenishing. Sweating and tired, he settled down in the cave, drinking water from the canteen and wincing with the toothache. He rested for a minute before walking out again, disregarding burning legs and arms, the increasing headache, dizziness and the general tiredness from the sleepless night. He still had to explore the mountains.

He followed the rocky wall upwards, carefully choosing his way. The last thing he needed was to get lost. Just to make sure, he made an arrow marking on the stone with his knife, indicating the cave. He counted his turns and finally reached the top of the hill. It overlooked the valley bellow with enough distance for him to spot the stream of water he was looking for. The river was just on the other side of the hill, coming down the mountain range to the foot of the hill and into the jungle, flowing onward far beyond sight. He looked to the sky. It was close to dusk. John decided to leave it for the next day and turned around to get back before night settled.

**…**

**TBC…**


	4. Chapter 4

**DOG TAGS**  
_By ErikaHK_

**Title:** Dog Tags  
**Chapter:** 4/9  
**Word count:** 1.970  
**Rating**PG13 (some language and graphic violent scenes)  
**Characters:**mainly John Sheppard, but also features some Rodney McKay near the end, with appearances of Evan Lorne, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan and Elizabeth Weir.  
**Genre:**Drama, Angst, H/C, Gen  
**Spoilers:** for Sunday and Phantoms  
**Disclaimer:** Stargate and all related characters are the property of MGM Television Entertainment. Not done for profit, just for fun.

**Summary:**After a team fails to return from a mission, Sheppard goes to find out why and ends up alone lost on an unknown planet with no means to return home. Shep Whump. Set in Season 3 somewhere after Sunday.

Thanks Lauriel for the beta!

Is anyone still reading?

**…**

**Chapter 4**

_Day 3_

John woke up with a jolt the next morning. The images of his dream still filled his mind and he tried to slow down his breathing. He could almost smell the burnt bodies. As he calmed down, John put those thoughts aside and concentrated on the day that would follow. He would go over to the river today to get some water and maybe even catch a fish. He packed his stuff and wrapped the last of the meat to eat during the journey.

He followed the markings in the rocks to find his way up the hill again. He had already memorized the way, which was a good sign and meant that his concussion wasn't so bad now. He continued on his way and by midday he was by the river, after only getting lost once and very briefly.

The river came down the mountain in a twirling path, going over pieces of rocks that resisted the constant ripping of the water. The water was clean but icy cold, so he decided to sit down on the margin where he could avoid getting his ankles wet. He wiped his sweat, ate the rest of the meat and drank some water.

After his picnic he took out his fishing kit, but wasn't fortunate enough to catch anything. The damn river barely had any fish. The ones present were either very small or escaped easily. He continued trying for a few more minutes just out of stubbornness before he gave up, letting out a frustrated grunt.

Without any fish, he turned around and headed to the jungle to seek something else to eat. He would need some fibers and vitamins to go with the protein of the hunt, so he would need fruit. Easy to find in a jungle. The hard part was to actually find one that wasn't poisonous or didn't have any ill effect. He proceeded searching, with his survival instructor's advice inside his mind.

_The last thing you need is diarrhea when in a survival mode. Even if you see an animal eating it, that doesn't mean that humans can. When in doubt don't eat it. Don't eat it when it has weird different colors in it. Don't eat it when it's acidic. Don't eat it if it has thorns, hairs or spikes. Don't eat if it's bitter. Don't eat it if a bird falls dead from the sky after eating it.__If you decide to eat, do so cautiously. Eat a very small amount. Try it first. Don't swallow. Wait a couple of minutes. If it doesn't feel wrong, swallow and wait several hours before eating the rest of it. If you live then you can eat it in moderation._

He collected a couple of samples of the only fruit that looked friendly. It was a yellow fruit, the size of a fist, that he had seen being eaten by some kind of primate. It had a slightly sweet smell and the inside was tender and juicy. He cut a small cube and tasted with his tongue, then bit a piece and chewed slowly. It had a sweet taste that was similar to a melon. Without sensing any ill effects, he swallowed and carried the rest with him back to his cave.

**…**

_Day 4_

John ate the rest of the fruit after considering it safe for consumption. His thoughts lingered on the field of destruction and all the dead bodies that were shown to him again during the night. He shook his head. There was no point in thinking about it. Letting it go, John got up and headed out for another day.

He spent the morning looking for more of the same fruits and the squirrel-like animal. He was heading back with a full pack and eating a melon when he heard a snarl to his left. He slowly turned and saw a big feline-like creature staring directly at him. It looked like a leopard, but it had a dark fur that went from dark gray to black and much larger teeth. His hands went silently to his weapon and he started to lift it. The leopard snarled fiercely and showed its fangs. John halted all movement and controlled the breathing that came with the fast beat of his heart. Both stared at each other for a few seconds with the same thought in mind.

John lifted his weapon observing the animal's reaction. The beast gave him an unfriendly look and curved its back, growling with all muscles tensed, ready to attack. He had only a few seconds to react as the feline jumped at him. The shot of his weapon shook the trees and silenced all sounds of the jungle, but still John was knocked down hard on his back by the leopard.

The animal's face was a blur of movement right above his as it attacked John ferociously. He defended himself with the P90, trying to knock it out and keep its teeth from connecting with his skin, but the weapon was knocked away by the animal. John attempted to use his legs to move the vicious attacker from above him, but the it kept coming. Claws slashed his arms as he protected his face and he cried out in pain. His strength was faltering and his limbs trembled, but he still resisted, keeping the jagged fangs away. More slashes hit his arms and face repeatedly and blood dripped from them. He tried to move, but the heavy and strong animal wouldn't let him. Just as the jaw started to come closer and he turned his face away, John saw his knife resting near the dropped melon and reached for it. He stretched his arm towards the blade and brought it closer to his hand, grunting in triumph as he finally grabbed it and stabbed the animal's heart.

It fell dead above him with a heavy thud, knocking out the air from his lungs. He crawled from underneath the body and sat down beside it, still shaking in shock. For several minutes all John could hear was his heavy breathing and the hard beats of his heart. As the adrenalin wore down he started to feel the injuries caused by the claws and he looked at his arms. Ugly slashes covered them and blood dripped on the earth. He put his knife back on his belt and winced as a stinging pain burned his skin. He had to clean them. The river wasn't far from his position, so he started towards it.

He bent down and put his arms in the cold water, grunting in pain. He bit his lip, resisting the pain and the shaking that still hadn't stopped, and started to clean the wounds. The red stained water ran down stream until clean cuts could be seen in his skin. Most of them only needed bandages, but one would need stitching. It was an ugly gash close to his elbow, deep enough to hit muscle. He took a deep breath and swallowed. It wouldn't be easy. Firstly, stitching your own wounds sucked. Secondly, it would hurt even more than it was already hurting. Lastly, the cut was on his right arm, so he would need to use his left to work and it would be slow, especially as he was still shaking.

With his left hand he retrieved the survival kit from his vest pocket and opened it, searching for the sewing kit and the antiseptic. The last thing he needed was an infection. He swabbed some of the substance in his cuts and prepared the kit with the help of his mouth. He took in a deep breath before proceeding. No sound escaped his mouth as he penetrated his own skin for the first time. The needle came out, cutting through the fragile and sensitive side of the wound and he shook even harder. His right hand turned to a fist and he held his breath, fighting the cry of pain that wanted to come out of his lungs. His trembling hands had trouble controlling the needle and he hissed as it traveled through his skin. He continued with the process as fast as he could with his limited coordination, holding his breath for as long as he could before it escaped in a loud grunt. His eyes began to water and blurred his vision. He pulled both ends of the wound together, shutting his eyes and crying out, before tying a knot. He waited a few moments for his breathing to calm down and wiped the sprinkled sweat from his forehead.

_Day 5_

Another night went by and more dreams of scorched bodies. The contorted faces looked at him in horror and he couldn't move, as much as he tried. That's all he dared to remember from the dream. Shaking his head to dismiss the vision, he got up and picked a fruit collected on the previous day to eat. He also avoided thinking about what had happened after he had collected it. The pinching pain of the tooth now gave into hard, sharp stabs of pain that pounded with a dull throb for several minutes before subsiding, only to start the cycle again on the next bite.

Each day that passed made him less optimistic about his fate. It had been five days. Five days and no one had come for him. How could anyone find him in the first place? He wasn't where he was supposed to be. He had no idea where this god damned planet was. He didn't even know the symbols he had used to reach it. Every time these thoughts circled his mind he pushed them aside, but every day it grew more difficult to ignore them. _No. I'm not there yet._ He tried to foster a sense of optimism but all he managed was to avoid the inevitable realization that he was alone there. _Let's just think of the present. Keep alive. That's what I gotta do._ He sighed and heavily lifted his body. He was still sore from the fight with the leopard. He headed outside to do his daily task: find food. He climbed downhill, praying to whichever divinity cared to listen that he didn't meet any more dangerous animals.

After a couple of hours of hunting he headed back with lunch. It was the same kind of squirrel animal he had eaten days before. He was just coming out of the tree line when he felt a sudden crushing pain in his leg. It grew exceedingly painful and his legs buckled under him. Crashing down on the ground, he looked for the source of the pain only to be stricken by horror. Some kind of large reptile had stuck its teeth in the calf of his leg and wouldn't let go. Rivulets of blood leaked from the puncture wounds underneath the jaws of the creature which held tightly onto him. Crying out, he tried to force its mouth open, but it didn't give in, instead it only pressed harder against his bones. Panting heavily and shaking with shock he grabbed his gun and shot the creature, but it still put pressure to the jaws. The bullets marked the hard beaded skin, but didn't penetrate and it didn't even bleed. Already short of air he fired a few more rounds at it and continued firing until he was able to wound the lizard. Green blood oozed from the bullet holes and the grasp of the teeth eased a little, but the animal still lived and stayed stuck on his leg. John could see a heavy bruise beginning to form around the pressure points of the mouth. Too weak to take the lizard away, he gasped for air that came hard to his lungs. He really hoped it wasn't poisonous.

**…**

**TBC…**


	5. Chapter 5

**DOG TAGS**  
_By ErikaHK_

**Title:** Dog Tags  
**Chapter:** 5/9  
**Word count:** 1.940  
**Rating**PG13 (some language and graphic violent scenes)  
**Characters:**mainly John Sheppard, but also features some Rodney McKay near the end, with appearances of Evan Lorne, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan and Elizabeth Weir.  
**Genre:**Drama, Angst, H/C, Gen  
**Spoilers:** for Sunday  
**Disclaimer:** Stargate and all related characters are the property of MGM Television Entertainment. Not done for profit, just for fun.

**Summary:**After a team fails to return from a mission, Sheppard goes to find out why and ends up alone lost on an unknown planet with no means to return home. Shep Whump. Set in Season 3 somewhere after Sunday.

Is anyone still reading?

* * *

…

**Chapter 5**

This really sucked. Where had his luck gone? For the next off-world missions he should really try to remember to pack some good fortune and leave the jinxes behind. Maybe he should start carrying rabbit feet and horseshoes every time he crossed the event horizon.

John limped heavily on his way up the hill, dragging his leg behind him. He was sweating profusely, shaking and the world was starting to twirl around him. Severe burning pain climbed up his limb and the light headedness was getting worse. He held on the rock to breathe and looked down at his ankle. The lizard was growing weaker from its wounds, and so was he. He sat down to try to take the thing away one more time and finally he was successful. The reptilian let go and went limp immediately after. John hoped it was dead, but he knew that it wasn't the end of his problems. His symptoms suggested that it_was_ actually poisonous.

He gasped as he stood up once more. Swallowing and holding the wall he waited until the world slowed down before proceeding. Taking one step at a time he pushed himself up feeling increasingly tired and weak, but considered his case as an exception on the rules of no exercising after bitten by a poisonous creature. He didn't want to spend another minute vulnerable outside.

His bad leg concentrated his agony and shot the pain all the way up to his thigh. On another step the leg gave in and he fell on his hands, unable to move. He tried his best to fight the pain, but it overwhelmed him. He stubbornly tried to put weight on it, but it buckled on an excruciating explosion of pain that had him yelling all his frustration and anger. John took another look at it, but what he saw made his stomach twirl and his nausea increase. His ankle was a mess of blood and broken skin with several deep punctures that were more like giant holes and slashes and was already starting to get swollen.

His trembling hands took his canteen and poured water on the wounds. He needed to clean it to prevent infection. If it wasn't already too late. By the way it looked and considering that he was bitten by a lizard-like animal he would say that it was. _Stupid. That what it was, John. Very, very stupid_. He shouldn't have used all his antibiotics on the cuts. He rubbed the skin and groaned as he did so. It stung like shit. It was like having a dozen knives carving into his leg and twisting inside, but still he rubbed the wound to eliminate the pathogens and dirt. He knew that because of the swelling he couldn't wrap the wound with a field dressing. At least not yet, because when the swelling increased the dressing would cut his circulation. He would just cover it when he got back._ If_ he made it back.

He dragged his body pushing himself up with his good leg on a sitting position. He tried not to think of the fact that it was a humiliating position for the military commander of Atlantis, especially because he felt weak even for that. He was completely damp with sweat and breathing was difficult, but he focused on only one thing. Keep going up.

Just a few minutes afterwards he was leaning his back on the cave wall and out of the hot midday sun of the rain forest. He closed his eyes trying to relax.

"What kind of mess did you get yourself into this time, Colonel?" John turned his head abruptly at the source of the voice only to see Colonel Caldwell standing right beside him.

John narrowed his eyes confused with what he was seeing. "Colonel Caldwell?" he spoke weakly between hard breaths.

Caldwell kneeled and looked sympathetically at him. John new that it was wrong because he never saw the commander of the Daedalus look like that, especially at him. "You are truly screwed, aren't you?" He smiled.

"I must be to be starting to see things."

Caldwell laughed at him. Now he was one hundred percent sure that the figure before him was not real. Caldwell didn't laugh. And especially wouldn't laugh at seeing John in this situation.

"Yes, that's right." The Colonel kept a smile on his face that really annoyed John.

"So you admit that you aren't real?"

"Why not? I'm not the screw up in here." Caldwell now had an accusing glare. "You are."

John could not believe that he was this bad. He refused to fall for the delusional trap and simply complied with the false image before him. "Right." He rolled his eyes. Not even the delusion Caldwell liked him. Hell, nothing in this planet did.

"Yes, feel sorry for yourself. That will help." Caldwell stood up and glared down at John. "Get up."

John just glared back. "Why?"

"Because I'm a superior officer and I'm ordering you."

John shook his head and chuckled. "You can't order me. You're not even real."

"I'm real enough."

"Oh really?"

"Yes, Colonel. I'm a real part of you."

John lifted a finger. "You are a freakin' delusion probably from the damn poison of that lizard." John turned his face refusing to continue with this.

Caldwell put his face right in front of his, kneeling down again. "Your mind created me." John turned his head to the other side. "I'm here because you wanted me to be here." The delusion's face chased his.

"Why would I want that?" John rolled his eyes. Hallucinations. Just what he needed.

"So you can be faced with the truth."

"What truth?" John asked still unbelieving.

"That you screwed up." Caldwell stood again and glared.

There was a long pause.

"I don't even know what happened," John finally spoke meeting his gaze.

"Nevertheless, still your fault. Who else's would be?"

"I don't know. Maybe the freaking moron that exploded everyone. I know that it wasn't me, because I was unconscious fallen from a ravine!" John's voice raised.

"How would you know that?" John now preferred the smiles than the death glares that the not-Caldwell was giving him. "You can't remember shit of what happened. Maybe you failed and chose to forget."

"I'm not dismissing the responsibility of the lives of _my_ men. I'm just saying that I don't know what caused their deaths."

"But you led them. You were leading them to their deaths and didn't even know. That's why it's _your_ fault." Caldwell kneeled again and broke into John's personal space.

John licked his lips in doubt and swallowed. He turned and avoided the stare of the hallucination.

"You screwed up and it's eating you the fact that you have no idea why." Caldwell's voice felt close to his ear.

John's breathing increased. "Yes, okay, I screwed up! Because of some damn unknown mistake ten good men are now dead! Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"That's what you have to accept. That they keep going down under your responsibility." Caldwell's face appeared before his again and John avoided the look. "Mitch, Dex, Holland, Sumner, Ford, Grodin, Gaul, Abrams, Leonard, Carson, should I continue?"

John closed his eyes. He didn't need a reminder of all those lives that were lost.

"Don't beat yourself up, man." John snapped his eyes open by hearing the Scot accent. Carson Beckett was knelt right in front of him, smiling.

John hesitated. Carson's death was still fresh inside him and he avoided dealing with it so far. "C-Carson?"

The doctor's smile faded and was replaced by a contorted face as he was enveloped in flames. John stared at the scene in shock. Carson's skin was peeling off his face and flaming. The flesh underneath exposed and continued to burn.

At that moment it didn't matter if he knew it was a hallucination. It looked and felt real. His throat constricted as the flames continued to burn and Carson continued to be destroyed by the fire. John started to tremble again and turned his face away. He could even feel the heat of the fire and smell the burnt flesh. He shut his eyes.

"No," John spoke between clenched teeth. "It is not real!"

"It was real." It was Caldwell's voice again. "That's how he felt."

John heard the flames fading and opened his eyes. Caldwell was kneeling beside the dead unrecognizable body and stared directly at him. John squeezed his eyes shut. He wasn't ready for it. He waited several minutes to build up courage to snap them open again. Carson was gone and only Caldwell remained.

"Go away," John said bitterly.

"He's not the only one you failed."

"Sheppard," a voice called.

John turned his head and saw Captain Holland looking down at him. Suddenly blood started leaking down from a wound in his leg and he fell on his knees. In horror and shock, Holland squeezed his hands against the wound, but more blood kept coming. The delusion looked at John with glimmers in the eyes, pleading.

"You could have been faster." Holland sobbed. "You could have come sooner." He started crying. "I had a life. And you let me die." Tears now covered his face and he swallowed. "I thought you were my friend. But I was wrong." He gasped and sobbed hard. "Why didn't you save me Sheppard?"

"Why?" a woman's voice spoke.

John looked at the source of the voice. A beautiful blond woman was weeping over a dead man's body. The man was Mitchell and the woman his wife. She sobbed hard and took Mitchell's hand on her own with tears dripping from her eyes. She raised her head and looked directly at John.

"Why did you let him die?" she cried. "It was your job to protect him. I trusted his life to you." She lowered her face until it touched her husband's body sobbing.

"WHY DID YOU LET US DIE?" Holland shouted violently. His phrase echoed inside the cave in many different voices and faces started to appear to match them. They all glared at John with the visible effects of their deaths.

The faces danced in his vision bleeding, contorting and aging. The echoes faded and screams of agony took their place. Dozens of screams, yelling, pleading and crying. For several minutes John's entire world was filled with hurt, pain and trauma. His leg's throb was ignored and he forgot all about his injuries and his abandonment. Gray smoke covered his vision and only memories of failure remained clear before him. He closed his eyes, but it didn't make the images go away.

_It's not real, it's not real, it's not real, it's not real, it's not real…_ He repeated for himself over and over but they continued to overwhelm him.

"It is real, Colonel," Caldwell's voice spoke to him. "They are all dead because of your mistakes. Can you see how they suffered?"

John didn't want to see. He didn't want to remember any of it.

"They are dead because you didn't reach them in time." Caldwell's voice was harsh and cold.

His face covered in sweat and air came to his lungs in sudden shallow breaths. His heart pounded faster and harder every passing minute. The poison pumped continuously in his veins and burned inside his body. Fog covered his brain. Fear, horror and shock clouded his mind and became his only reality. The voices were loud and pierced his ears. The images became so real that he felt he could touch them if he reached his hand, but he simply watched immobile.

…

* * *

**TBC…**


	6. Chapter 6

**DOG TAGS**  
_By ErikaHK_

**Title:** Dog Tags  
**Chapter:** 6/9  
**Word count:** 2.070  
**Rating: **PG13 (language and graphic violent scenes)  
**Characters:** mainly John Sheppard, but also features some Rodney McKay near the end, with appearances of Evan Lorne, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan and Elizabeth Weir.  
**Genre:** Drama, Angst, H/C, Gen  
**Spoilers:** for Sunday  
**Disclaimer:** Stargate and all related characters are the property of MGM Television Entertainment. Not done for profit, just for fun.

**Summary:**After a team fails to return from a mission, Sheppard goes to find out why and ends up alone lost on an unknown planet with no means to return home. Shep Whump. Set in Season 3 somewhere after Sunday.

* * *

**…**

**Chapter 6**

John's eyes snapped open. He blinked a few times until he realized that it was pitchy dark. It was cold and he trembled slightly. His leg's intense pain had eased to a burning throb that still climbed up his limb and looked very ugly. The red lacerations had grown even more swollen and were very warm to touch. Pins and needles could be felt when he pressed his fingers around the wounds shooting deep into his leg.

He wiped his wet face and felt his throat dry. He found the canteen and took a mouthful of water. He still had half of the canteen left, but figured that soon it would be over. He knew that an infection had set in and that was the reason he felt weak and feverish. He was out of field dressings, but he had to cover the wounds somehow. He tried to cut a piece of his t-shirt, but failed at a first attempt. He used his knife and cut the bottom of the black t-shirt, then folded it, watered it and placed it over the wound.

_I'm so screwed._ Alone, forgotten on an alien planet, bitten, poisoned, infected by alien bacteria, cold, feverish and unable move even to get the fire wood burning. What else he needed? Oh yes, hallucinations.

He looked around suspiciously. Were they gone?

"Still here," Caldwell's voice spoke.

"Damn!" he swore under his breath.

"So, should we continue counting?"

He really wasn't on the mood to talk to false superior officers. John closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It wasn't real.

"You should know better. We've been through this."

Painful memories of their previous encounter flooded his mind. Images of scorched bodies, dead friends and agony passed before his eyes again.

_No! Not again!_

"You're feeling guilty." The man's voice came from close to his ear. "You_ are_ guilty."

Not-Caldwell was right. He was feeling guilty. He could've been there for each one of those people, but he had failed.

_No. Focus. This is not the time._

"If this isn't the time, then when is it?"

Once again the delusion was right. But John was like that. He never thought it was the time. He always pushed all aside and left the basement door locked and barricated. It won't affect you if you don't think about it.

"It's time to deal with it all."

"I already dealt with it." John shot an angry glare at Caldwell. He was bothered by the fact that he managed to see him clearly even in the thick darkness. "I dealt with it when you made me see all that crap." John pointed an accusing finger.

"Well, there is still more from where that came from."

"I don't care. Go away." It annoyed John that he spoke like a sulking child.

Not-Caldwell chuckled. John ignored and closed his eyes again. He was feeling like crap at the moment and didn't need a hallucination to make things worse. Several minutes passed in silence. John was beginning to think that his childish tactic had worked.

"Do you know their names?" Caldwell spoke softly. It even sounded sympathetic.

John sighed and opened his eyes to look at it. It was sitting beside him in the same position looking rather sad. John was at loss. Not-Caldwell would do everything it took to get him talking. This time he was very nearly convincing, but he still resisted and continued to stare. Caldwell didn't do anything, just remained at the same position looking back at him. Its eyes showed concern and even a hint of pity.

John didn't know how long he could keep it buried while being so closely examined by his own subconscious mind and the closeness of the man next to him was making his throat constrict in nervousness. John knew that it wasn't real, but still that inner voice inside him kept telling to keep away at a safe distance. _If this isn't the time, then when is it? _He saw himself thinking about Caldwell's inquiry.

"Yes." John finally responded looking down.

Several seconds passed in more silence. "I don't even know why they died." John stared at his pants. "All I have to show about them are dog tags and if I don't make it back their families may never know what happened."

"You don't know what happened either."

John sighed. He knew that when someone hits the head that hard, the possibility of never remembering the moments that led to it was great. More silence crept between them. He tapped his vest and searched for the tags. He laid them out in front of him and simply observed for several minutes.

"What about your team?"

"I don't know." John answered on a defeated tone.

"Do you think they are dead?"

"I don't know!" He repeated louder, still refusing to meet Caldwell's eyes.

"They made it out. If they weren't scorched bodies they must have escaped. Unless they were captured, of course."

"You're not really helping." John looked up at the delusion.

"I'm not here to sugar coat the truth, Colonel." Caldwell said firmly.

"Look, I'm tired, why don't we continue this later?" John said it already turning and laying down on the cold ground. He expected the hallucinations to be over by the time he woke up.

_Day 6_

John was feeling so tired on the previous night he had fallen asleep strait after closing his eyes. He hadn't felt the throbs and pains of his body or even the cold that now enveloped him. His leg was really ugly, puffy, purple and red around the lacerations. Pain shot from it pricking and burning. Heat radiated at close proximity to touch and movement of his knee was very hard. He rubbed his face and dragged his body to sit against the wall.

He was feeling down and depressed and looking down at the dog tags still laid out on the ground didn't help the feeling to go away. He sat still with a closed face fighting to not break down completely for several minutes before he was brought back with the noise from his stomach reminding him that he had to eat. He would settle with an MRE today. With the mood he had he was not wiling to crawl two meters to get a fruit.

_Day 7_

His mood didn't change the next day. He didn't even sit up. Just remained lying on his side. He didn't even acknowledge time anymore. He lived inwards. Thinking of the pain of the others for not knowing what had happened to him and how long they would search before they finally gave up on him and called him MIA. Without antibiotics he wouldn't survive so all he could do now was to accept it.

**…**

Seven Days. It had been one week without any news from Sheppard's location. Rodney looked down the railing in the Control Room staring at Lorne's team accompanied by Ronon and Teyla returning from another scout mission. From the looks on their faces, Rodney already knew the result. He scratched another planet from the mental list he had memorized. The fifty addresses collected from the planet's DHD slowly turned into a big pile of nothing. Elizabeth appeared beside him.

"Nothing again." She said sighing.

Rodney stared at her for a moment then lowered his gaze to the floor saddened.

"We will find him." Elizabeth rubbed his shoulder.

"Will we? We don't even know if he survived. We have no idea if he's alive, or if he was taken, or if-"

"We have been through this, Rodney," Elizabeth cut him off. "It was his blood in the ravine."

"All that means is that he bled. It doesn't prove he's okay. In fact it proves he's not okay."

Elizabeth sighed loudly. "No it doesn't, but Dr. Keller determined that it wasn't enough to indicate hemorrhage. There was hair on the site. He hit his head. That's the most logical conclusion." She spoke clearly and calmly.

"Why hasn't he return home then? God knows what happened to him in that state!" Rodney waved his hands. "If he wandered out he could have gone anywhere. He could have run into beasts, wraith, stumbled and fallen from a cliff, stepped out of a space 'gate and died several horrible kinds of death!"

"We need to keep optimistic, Rodney. Maybe there is something or someone preventing him to come back. Maybe he's injured and unable to return home. We need to keep looking. John would never give up hope on any of us and we should do the same,"

"I-I'm sorry, Elizabeth. I'm just ... I'm sorry, I didn't mean we should stop looking for him." Rodney never felt so helpless in his entire life. Sitting still in the Control Room coordinating rescue teams and just waiting for any news without being able to do anything but wait was making him feel useless.

"I know Rodney. We all feel the same." She looked sympathetically at him and smiled. It made him feel better and he smiled back. "What's next in the list?"

"Right." He nodded and walked back to his laptop playing with his hands in front of his body. "MG4-X22, the ancient database says it's a desert hot planet with scarce vegetation and MXG-998, mostly covered by dense vegetation and wild."

Elizabeth leaned behind Rodney to look at the data. "Send the MALP to X22 and schedule 998 for tomorrow morning."

Rodney nodded and left strait down to the Gate Room to get the probe ready. On his way he crossed path with Teyla and Ronon that were coming from the Gate Room. They stopped before him and Teyla spoke.

"No one on the planet had ever seen one like us." She wore a defeated voice and expression, but soon regained her composure. "But we can not give up. We are ready for the next destination."

"Yes, I'm getting the MALP ready." He spoke and continued his way brushing past her.

Without waiting any minute he set the probe before the stargate and signaled the technician to dial as soon as Rodney finished with the last minute adjustments. The 'gate kawooshed and the probe disappeared to another destination.

**…**

Every time Rodney heard the Atlantis alarm for incoming wormhole he jumped off his seat. He waited anxiously for the technician to say whose identification code it was hoping it could be Sheppard's or one of the teams bearing good news. But every time he got disappointed.

The last team of the day came in from MG4-X22 in bad shape. He was almost glad that Sheppard was not found there. That planet was a trap. It was hotter than any other planet they had visited and was full of wild animals eager to fight to the death for a tiny piece of food and the presence of an entire team of tasty humans didn't make the creatures any friendlier. Teyla and Ronon had arms covered in cuts and tiny lacerations that Rodney figured must hurt as badly as the nastier of paper cuts. Lorne and the accompanying marines were in no better shape.

That plus the fact that another rescue team was also injured in a stupid accident made Elizabeth rethink about the strategy used in the search operations. They were going too far into the planets and the searches were taking a long time on each destination and always coming back empty handed. She said that they should start looking more superficially and only expand the search grid if something came up on the initial investigation. No discussion resulted in her changing her mind. She told to them that Sheppard wouldn't want to see them all risking their lives like that. They argued back saying that he wouldn't let go of the search and wouldn't give up, but her word was final.

Now she decided on at least one day without search operations because they ran out of teams in any condition on going off world. They were just that lucky. Lorne insisted that he was in good shape to go off to the next address, but Keller was afraid of infection from the cuts. She identified unknown organisms in the wounds and wanted to be sure they weren't a threat to their health before giving a clearance from the infirmary. Unknown organisms could be dangerous and Rodney understood that perfectly, but sitting around made his sense of frustration and pessimism deepen.

**…**

* * *

**TBC…**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

_Day 8_

Each day passed as slowly as the previous. John stared at his leg that still showed signs of infection. The edges of the lacerations leaked a clear liquid in small amounts, his fever was rising steadily and John felt his body weaker and failing. He was always proud of his stamina and strength. He was no Ronon Dex, but he was perfectly able to handle himself well in the field and resist injuries and pain. This time he was helpless and knew it would only be a matter of time before he became too weak to resist any longer.

John felt the weight of the restless days and nights concerned for his friends, for Atlantis, for his condition and fate. As the days passed, he tried harder to counter attack his growing depression. He was not the kind of guy that would go down easily. As soon as he started to feel the signs of giving up, his strength and stubbornness made him raise his head and keep on fighting. He even found enough determination to crawl outside and collect water from the rain. It wasn't easy. Progress was very slow. Pain, weakness and tiredness overwhelmed him, but he found his resolve and crept centimeter by centimeter grinding his teeth and grunting until he released the yell he was keeping inside for days and let go of all frustration and anger he tried so hard to bury in the depths of his mind.

He lay on the edge of the cave entrance breathing hard and shivering from the wind for a couple of hours until he replenished his body with water and filled the canteen. He looked back inside the comfort of his corner, took one deep breath and started his way back, again crawling every centimeter.

John sat and started to clean his injuries with a wet cloth. He kept doing this several times a day hoping it would help his leg to fight the infection. The intense crushing pain continued and now his tooth decided to join in the chorus. It used to hurt intensely only when he drank or ate, but since the previous day it was a constant pain drilling up the root and into the bone causing a miserable throb that never stopped. The gum below the tooth was swollen and a mere gentle touch was enough to bring tears to his eyes. John had never had a toothache before, but now he understood why people whined so much about it. He finished the cleaning of his ankle and covered it again. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back until it touched the wall and sighed loudly.

"I hate this damn planet!"

…

_Day 9_

John felt chills through his body and could barely keep his head up. He was barely aware of his fever, rapid breathing and the fast beat of his heart. Staying conscious was becoming ever more difficult. He was tired and weak lifting droopy eyelids trying not to give in. He grew lightheaded and sometimes looked around the cave in confusion unaware of his surroundings momentarily. He held the dog tags tightly with his right hand holding on to the only grasp of reality he had. Finally his eyes grew too heavy for him to resist and he welcomed the darkness.

…

Another MALP, another address. Rodney lost count of how many times he had done that in the last few days. Every time he did that his mind drifted to the planet in question wondering about Sheppard's condition in those circumstances. This time it was a planet covered in heavy vegetation, hills and mountains. He tried to keep his hope up thinking that nothing serious happened to Sheppard because of the accident on MX0-832, but he was usually unsuccessful.

It was all his fault. He had detected an unusual energy production in the power plant on MX0-832, but ignored it. He thought it wasn't high enough to be of any concern. It only became a problem when it spiked suddenly and abruptly. It happened so fast that he hadn't had the time to warn anyone. It simply went off and exploded.

He should have seen it coming. He shouldn't have ignored it. They were a bunch of stupid people dealing with technology beyond their level of understanding and he had disregarded the thought. The encrypted message did say something about testing a new power source. Whatever it was, it was obviously unstable and he should have detected it. And a lot of people died because of that mistake.

As soon as the probe was ready Rodney sent it to its destination through the stargate. He waited for the signal from the MALP looking down at the laptop screen with Elizabeth, Ronon and Teyla behind him. The black screen came to life and showed a clearing in the middle of the forest. The probe zoomed and looked over the view from side to side. The DHD was present, no evident signs of danger and environmental conditions were green. Several life signs were being detected and probably belonged to the vast fauna of the planet. The robot camera turned until it reached a wooden pole in the middle of the clearing, right in front of the 'gate. Rodney zoomed into it. At the top of the staff there was a black cloth wrapped around it. Judging from the sighs and gasps coming from behind him, the thought that crossed his mind was the same as everyone else's. It was his wristband. A smile crept into his face.

Why would Sheppard leave a sign that meant he was on the planet right by the Dial Home Device? The only explanation Rodney could think of was that the pilot wanted to say something. Rodney ordered the MALP to advance towards it and then around the DHD. As the probe approached the DHD the condition of it was revealed.

"It's broken," Ronon said.

"Another amazing observation from Mr. Obvious!" Rodney snarked and rolled his eyes. He waved his hands and fell heavily at the back of his seat. "A complete wreck is a closer description!"

"Open a channel," Elizabeth said. When the Canadian tech complied she began speaking. "Colonel Sheppard, this is Weir, please respond."

There was no answer.

"Colonel Sheppard, can you hear me?" she repeated but again got no answer. She lowered her head briefly, nodded to the channel to be cut then turned at Rodney. "Can the DHD be fixed?"

Rodney got closer to the screen and squinted his eyes. "I won't know until I have a closer inspection." He leaned back. "_If_ I can, and I stress the word _if_, it would take a long time and I'll probably need spare crystals. We should use a jumper."

"Well, we'll need the jumper's sensors anyway to locate his transmitter signal." Elizabeth turned to Chuck. "Tell Keller we'll need her on the rescue team ASAP." She looked at Lorne. "Take jumper one. Ronon, Teyla and Rodney are with you." She surveyed each of their concerned faces. "Bring him back."

In a matter of minutes they were all ready to go and inside the jumper. Rodney looked at the shimmering blue event horizon hopeful before the ship crossed it.

…

They emerged at the other side and Lorne landed the vessel on the grass before the 'gate. He brought up the HUD and a red dot blinked some distance away from their location.

"That's him." Lorne smiled. "Colonel Sheppard, this is Lorne, please respond," he spoke in the radio. "Colonel Sheppard, do you copy?" He looked at Rodney that was rolling his eyes beside him. "It was worth another try."

"He's some distance away in that direction." Rodney pointed his finger at a 45° angle to the left. He promptly started to transfer the location to a hand sensor. "Okay, all ready."

"Let's go then. Lieutenant, stay here and monitor us on the HUD. The rest will come along." Lorne stood up and gave his seat to the marine.

He exited the ship and looked at the direction his CO was located. It was towards the mountain range, but the distance suggested he was a little lower and closer, probably in the hills before it. Lorne looked at the gray sky covered in clouds. He really hoped there was no rain to come.

"I'll take point, Ronon take our six, Rodney you tell if we're on the right track and stay sharp for those life signs. Let's move"

The trek was uneventful, but Lorne was worried that the weather didn't seem to be improving. It was actually getting darker and chillier. The wind blew and shook the tree tops making its leaves fall to the ground. They exited the tree line and looked at a rocky hill that had a path going up.

"He's definitely up there," Rodney said looking at his scanner and pointing his finger.

"Watch out, these rocks are slippery," Lorne warned as he began following the way up.

A few minutes afterwards they arrived at a cave entrance. Lorne narrowed his eyes to see inside while he placed the light in his weapon to illuminate it. Rodney came right behind him and stood nodding.

"He's there," The Canadian said. "No other life signs except us."

Lorne stepped inside the dark cave shining the weapon's light around and the others followed suit. A few meters inside they found colonel Sheppard's form sitting with his body uncomfortably leaning on the wall of the corner, unconscious. He hurried to his side and kneeled. His CO's leg was covered by a piece of cloth torn from his shirt and looked swollen. He removed it and heard the gasp from Rodney beside him.

"Oh God!" The scientist turned his head away with a disgusted expression. "What have you done to yourself this time Sheppard?"

The Colonel's ankle was coved with lacerations, was swollen, red and very warm to touch. He also noticed several cuts on the arms, neck and face of his commander and a field dressing on his right arm. Dr. Keller quickly approached her patient and started to access his condition.

The faces of Sheppard's team-mates were all the same as Lorne's: shock and concern for the man that they all greatly admired. The man that was now broken after surviving nine days alone in the wilds.

"He's fighting off an infection." The doctor said as she checked his chest with the stethoscope. "Pulse and breathing are rapid. We need to take him to Atlantis now!"

They prepared him for transportation back to the jumper and placed his limp form on a gurney. As he helped the doctor, Lorne looked at the colonel's hand and saw that he was holding several dog tags. The Major reached out and realized that Sheppard was holding firmly to them. He gently removed the tags from his CO's hand and kept them.

"You are going to be all right, John." Teyla said as she held the Colonel's hand tenderly. "We are here now."

…

The gurney was hurriedly carried back to the jumper. The sky was turning darker and thunders announced that a storm was coming. By the time they reached the tree line, rain drops started falling, scarcely at first then violently when they got to the clearing. Lightning strikes cut the horizon like a razor and illuminated the night that began creeping up.

The team never left the side of the gurney and even completely wet and freezing Rodney kept by Sheppard's side and helped them as they protected his body from the weather. Lorne entered the safety of the Lantean ship last and closed the bulkhead.

"God, I'm freezing!" Rodney complained out loud as he shook slightly. He kneeled beside Dr. Keller and watched closely his friend's condition. The isolating blanket was removed and a very dry Sheppard was revealed underneath. Rodney thought that maybe he should have gotten a dry blanket too, but obviously Sheppard needed more.

Teyla still held Sheppard's hand and Ronon watched from above them. They all shared the same concern and it showed in their faces. The vibration of the activated jumper was felt and the 'gate was dialed.

"Atlantis this is Lorne."

"Atlantis here." The tech voice was heard through the comm.

"We have him and are taking him home."

"Lorne, this is Weir." They heard her relieved sigh. "The shield is lowered, bring him back home."

…

* * *

**TBC…**


	8. Chapter 8

**DOG TAGS**  
_By ErikaHK_

**Chapter 8**

They all waited anxiously outside the infirmary as Dr. Keller worked. Rodney fidgeted impatiently with his fingers and tried to remain seated, but every muscle in his body fought against it and urged to stand and walk around. Finally he stood, pacing once more.

All he could think was how he could have avoided the accident that killed the marines and almost got Sheppard killed. That they left in a hurry afraid from radioactive contamination leaving him behind and that they scratched him dead and abandoned him injured there. By the time Rodney thought it was safe going back he was already gone.

He was ashamed of himself for leaving Sheppard behind. It was the pilot's most important principle that no man is left behind and he disregarded it. He had acted purely on instinct. Lorne had been half conscious, Teyla unconscious and Ronon had ran back to the jumper carrying both and also had a concussion. There had been no time to think. He had assumed they were all back there and took off. Even with Ronon's grunts from behind him saying that he had to get back.

"We have to get back there!" He heard Ronon's weak growl from the cargo bay of the jumper as the Satedan warrior banged onto the floor.

"No time for that Conan! In case you didn't see there was a power plant overload back there! The place may very well be covered in radiation!" Rodney didn't even look back at Ronon and lifted the aircraft away from the blast radius. As the ship took off he called up the HUD and found out that the sensors were blinded by the explosion. He felt the urgency within his guts telling him to get the hell out of there and dialed Atlantis. The ship crossed the event horizon and landed in the jumper bay.

The minute the craft touched the floor of the Ancient city Rodney sighed in relief. They were alive. He stood up on shaky legs feeling the effects of the adrenalin wearing off and walked to the back of the Lantean vessel. Ronon was seated against the back unconscious, but seemed unharmed. He looked at the forms on the floor. Teyla and Lorne were also unconscious but didn't look like they had any serious injuries too. He turned to look at Sheppard only to find in shock that he wasn't anywhere inside the jumper.

Rodney's thoughts were abruptly interrupted by the doctor exiting the infirmary. They all got up and surrounded her with gazes of concern and doubt.

Dr. Keller put up a hand to prevent the flow of questions and began. "He has an infection probably caused by a bite in his leg. I counted numerous lacerations, cuts and bruises, especially in his arms, some in his chest and face and a broken tooth that was extracted by Dr. Reinhardt. He's dehydrated but already receiving treatment for that as well as intravenous antibiotics." She sighed. "We'll see how he recovers and how he fights off the infection, but so far his fever is high but stable. I'm performing a blood culture to identify possible pathogens since the infection came from a bite from an alien animal. We'll have to see how lucky he is."

"Can we see him?" Teyla asked.

"He won't wake up for some time, but you can see him very briefly."

Everyone nodded in understanding before entering the infirmary. Dr. Keller guided them to Sheppard's bed where they were allowed to see him for a few seconds one at a time. From a distance, Rodney saw his bed partially covered by the curtains and waited for his turn.

The first one to go was Teyla. From the other side of the curtain all Rodney saw was Teyla approaching his bedside, lowering her head and was almost certain that she held his hand. Soon she exited and Ronon entered. All the bulky man did was stand beside Sheppard in silence and then left after a brief moment. As Ronon came, Rodney exchanged glances with Elizabeth asking permission to go in before her and she consented with a nod.

He walked in and stood by the bed examining the man laying there. His bruises and injuries, mostly patched by bandages, stood out in his vision and he imagined the hell Sheppard must have gone through to gain them in that completely wild planet. Rodney's guilt reached a peak seeing the pilot there. He lowered his head, momentarily unable to meet his face. He wanted to speak, but the words got caught in his throat. "I-I… I should've…" He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I should have seen it." He observed the still figure for a few more seconds looking for any sign of a stir. Something to indicate that his friend heard him and forgave him. But nothing happened. Rodney gave a last look over the pale man, lowered his head and left.

…

Rodney spent the next three days in the infirmary. He only left when he was literally shoved away by the medical staff ordering him to get some rest and eat something beside the snacks he took. The pilot spent most of the time asleep, still fighting the persistent infection and the only few times he awoke was very briefly and the lots of medication and the high fever made him loopy and confused. Several times he asked why Caldwell was gone and how he was ready to see it again. Whatever '_it_' was. Seeing Sheppard like that deeply disturbed Rodney and on several occasions he thought about leaving, but he couldn't. He needed to be there for him now, because he wasn't before.

He watched Sheppard stir in bed from time to time, but no sound was uttered in his sleep. The scientist imagined it must be dreams haunting him. They haunted Rodney too. Scientific problems that threatened life usually made his brain work better and faster, but when he was asleep the opposite took place. He didn't work well in them. And as much as he tried every single formula and theory, they never worked. Either that or whales that came out of the ocean to eat him in one bite.

It was morning and Dr. Keller approached the bedside to check on the bandages. Rodney avoided looking at them and sighed in relief when she was finished. She caught a glimpse of that and spoke to him.

"It takes time Dr. McKay. He may not have shown improvement yet, but that doesn't mean he's not healing. That's how the body works. The toxins are released from the bacteria killed by the antibiotics and the immune system, so it appears that he's not healing when in fact he is." She gave a warm smile. "I took down some of the pain medication. When he wakes up, he will be less confused and more like himself."

Rodney frowned for a moment, processing the information. Medicine never quite looked like actual science to him, but that made some kind of sense. He was about to reply when a moan from the bed caught his attention.

…

The flush of familiar sensations came to him slowly. First he tried to remember where he was.

Cave.

It took another second for him to realize otherwise. Soft bed, sheet cover, constant beep and smell of disinfectant. A soft voice speaking beside him. He was almost afraid to open his eyes and realize it was all another hallucination. It couldn't be, could it? No. The poison was already out of his system. He still felt feverish, but also noticed the lack of pain in his leg. He opened his eyes abruptly and moaned from the sudden light, turning his head to the side and blinking.

When his eyes finally adjusted, he looked up again and saw the faces of Rodney and Dr. Keller staring down at him with smiles on their faces. Confusion settled in his hazed brain. His sluggish mind took an extra couple of seconds to realize he was in the happy juice and he relaxed, sighing loudly.

"Hi there, Colonel. How are you feeling?" Keller directed a bedside smile to him.

He looked around the infirmary until his pair of hazel eyes settled at the people looking down at him. He smiled. "Home," He said in a whisper.

"Yes, you are." Her smile grew to a heart felt one.

He noticed Rodney looking at him with a saddened face. "Hey, Rodney." When that didn't bright up his friend he stared confused. "Where's Ronon and Teyla?"

"Yes, uh… I…" The scientist cleared his throat. "I'm…" Rodney looked down at the floor.

"What?" His heart pounded faster

"I should have seen it. I don't know why I didn't, and it all collapsed all of a sudden, then I left in a hurry and forgot to check everyone, and I left you there behind and didn't even know you were left behind. And everyone died, and you could have died-"

The sudden burst of words that came out of Rodney's mouth caught John by surprise and it strained him to try to figure out what they meant. He interrupted waving a hand. "Ronon, Teyla? What happened?"

"Perhaps it's better to talk about this afterwards, Dr. McKay."

"Nononononono, I want to take this out of the way now. I haven't slept in days and I need… I need…"

"What happened?" John asked angrily. He tried to sit up but was overcome by weakness and carved his nails in the mattress in frustration.

"I saw a slight energy surge but didn't see an explosion of that magnitude coming, especially in such a short notice, and then when I left, I though you were there with Ronon, and Lorne and Teyla-"

"Are they okay?" he asked anxiously.

"Uh, yes they are perfectly fine, but you're not, and..."

John closed his eyes and relief washed through him. He looked at Rodney. "What happened?" he asked more relaxed.

"I was just telling you." Rodney saw John's blank expression. "Boom!" The scientist waved his hands to imitate an explosion.

He swallowed trying to force his mind to work, but just as his previous attempts, couldn't remember anything about the explosion. He opened them again. "I, uh… can't remember a thing about what the hell happened." He noticed the physicist's worried expression. "I hit my head." He pointed at the gash.

"Ow, right. So there was an explosion, and I didn't have time to warn anyone about it by the time I realized what was going on and…"

"Dr., please. Not now." Keller shot a warning glance at Rodney.

"But he asked-"

"Yes, and you already talked to him. Now you will please, _finally_, leave the infirmary, eat properly and get some rest? And leave my patient alone to rest too?"

"Okay." Rodney sounded defeated and turned to leave, giving one last look back. "Glad you're okay, Sheppard." The scientist gave an embarrassed nod and left.

"Wait!" John tried to sit up again, but was prevented by the doctor and his weak body. "The dog tags." He spoke, short of breath. "I forgot to ask him about the dog tags." John felt how tired his body was and began to fade.

"Major Lorne got them." She smiled sympathetically. "Don't worry. Just rest."

He didn't want to rest. He wanted to know. He needed to know what had happened and why Rodney didn't stop the explosion. He tried to keep his eyes opened but they continued to close and he was incapable of resisting the tiredness and fell asleep.

…

* * *

**TBC…**


	9. Chapter 9

**DOG TAGS**  
_By ErikaHK_

**Chapter 9 and Epilogue **

John woke up in the next day after another bad dream. He remained with his eyes closed and remembered the last thing the Dr. Keller said before he fell asleep. The dog tags were delivered to Lorne. Some relief reached his consciousness. He still desperately wanted to know what Rodney was saying the previous day, something about energy surge that caused an explosion. John needed to know the cause of it before he could sleep well.

He then heard Teyla's soft chuckle and Ronon's heavy voice and was washed by relief. He opened his eyes and he showed a smile on his face satisfied to see them alive and well. They smiled back overcome by the same feeling towards him.

"John, we are very happy to finally see you awake." Her smile brightened her face.

"Yes," came Ronon's monosyllabic statement.

"I'm glad to be back."

"How are you feeling?" she asked approaching his bedside.

John adjusted the bed to sit. "My leg hurts a little, but nothing like before."

"We are very sorry it took us so long to find you, John."

"Don't worry, Teyla. You came. I'm here now and I'm fine." He paused, looking at both. "And so are you." He looked at the sheet as the room fell silent.

"Dr. Keller said you hit your head and don't remember what happened." Ronon said.

"Yes," John said gloomy. He looked up at both. "Can you guys fill me in?"

"We were rescuing Captain Clark's team. There was a sudden explosion from a power plant overload which was not detected by the Jumper's sensors. We were all caught by surprise and were thrown away with the blast's impact. I was unconscious, but Ronon managed to carry me and help Lorne back to the jumper and Rodney took us back to Atlantis."

"He thought you were with me when I came back and took off. I tried to warn him, but I passed out too."

"We do not blame him, though." Teyla gave a pointed look at Ronon.

So there it was. The simple facts that had him torturing himself to know told in short sentences. The explosion was no one's fault. "So, that's what Rodney was talking about."

"He believes that he should have predicted the explosion and blames himself for leaving you behind. Even though it is not his fault."

"He's been driving everyone crazy since it happened."

"Perhaps… you two should talk?"

John looked at Teyla with the response written in his face. He knew what guilt Rodney carried and he knew it wasn't a light burden. He simply nodded.

"I will tell him to come to see you the next time you awake. You need to rest now."

John hated how fast he got tired. "Thanks," he spoke before they left and slumped back to sleep hoping that the new facts would keep the bad dreams away.

…

Rodney hurried to the infirmary after receiving the message that Sheppard was awake. He paced fast through the corridors of Atlantis and reached the transporter. Rodney took a deep breath and exited the transporter, entering the infirmary. He got closer to his bedside and looked at the dressings all over his arms and leg. He let the silence linger for a few moments.

"Uh, Teyla said you wanted to talk to me." Rodney lowered his head and took another deep breath. He could do this. "I… I know that you have this leave no man behind thing, and I did leave you behind and…" His voice trailed off.

"Look, Rodney, I don't really know the circumstances, but it must have been hell. I… I saw the destruction." He paused. "When an explosion like that happens all one can do is run away as fast as they can before it gets ugly." He sighed. "And it was ugly."

Rodney looked back at the pilot. "All I needed to do was look back. Then I would see that you weren't there and I could go back, but I didn't." Rodney was angry at himself.

"It was a mistake. I'm okay now."

"Is that supposed to make me feel any better?" Rodney sat in the chair beside the bed. "It _was_ ugly. I saw it. I had no idea what it was or what caused it. I still don't." Rodney sighed and closed his eyes. "I panicked. I though it could have some kind of fallout."

"Look, I'm not saying if it was or not your fault. It happened. It's in the past. Leave it."

"It doesn't keep the guilt away." Rodney had a heavy voice when he said that.

"Guilt is a bitch. It stays with you no matter what anyone says and it always comes back to slap you in the face. Sometimes all you can do not to crumble when it happens is to slap back." Sheppard spoke with a sincerity that surprised Rodney.

"I promise it will never happen again." Rodney spoke with determination. It was all he could say to demonstrate his sincere apology. He saw Sheppard's smile and felt that the huge burden being lifted from his back. He smiled back.

…

_Sometimes all you can do not to crumble when it happens is to slap back._

John's own words echoed in his mind. He stared at the ceiling of the dark infirmary recounting the facts to himself once more. The conversation he had that evening about guilt had John reconsidering his own part at the events. I hadn't been his fault after all. He wondered what the not-Caldwell hallucination would have to say about that.

"_It wasn't this time." Caldwell glared accusingly at him. "There is still plenty of room left for me in here." _

John woke up abruptly breathing hard. He looked around and saw himself alone in the dark infirmary. He eased his breathing and closed his eyes, going back to sleep.

**The End**

* * *

_A/N: In case you are wondering, the explosion was caused by a self-destruct mechanism. There is no way for the characters to figure that out because of the way the mechanism was projected and how the power plant was designed._


End file.
